Over dinner Friday night, GTB and I got into a ridiculous discussion about whether or not it’s considered rude to use your knife to help scoop up the last bits of food from your plate. I told him that since we were in southwest Portland, it probably didn’t matter much. If we were in Paris, on the other hand…

This, of course, led to an even more ridiculous discussion about who has more class, table manners, charm, etc. At one point, because I’m a snob, I said, “You could drop me in the finest restaurant in the finest city and I’d be fine.” He guffawed and then said, “But you’re a bumpkin from Hometown. What makes you more refined than me?” I explained that my time in more urbane areas has worked wonders on my presentability.

There’s a scene in “A Room with a View” (one of my favorite movies) where Cecil says something about how he hopes to raise his and Lucy’s children just like she was raised: in the country for earthiness and then brought into society at just the right moment for refinement. I like to believe that he could have been talking about me.

So when I got an email from my sister that included a list of characteristics of small town bumpkins, I beamed with pride that I have done almost all of them. With the exception of #22 (there wasn’t a stop light in the whole county), #25 (my parents didn’t go to school in Hometown), and #30 (we didn’t have cornfields), this list pretty much defines my upbringin’:

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a
dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because the
scratches on their legs from running through the Woods when the party was busted. (See #6)
4) You used to “drag” Main.
5) You said the “F” word and your parents knew within the hour.
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn’t.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents anyhow.)
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn’t give directions by street names but rather by “Turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks to Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field.”
13) The golf course had only nine holes.
14) You couldn’t help but date a friend’s ex-boyfriend or girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered “trashy”or “snooty,” but was actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1965 as the rich people.
18) The people in the “big city” dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend two years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town bar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school.
21) The Wrestling Coach suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, five people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older sibling’s names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
27) The closest McDonalds was 25 miles away (or more).
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
30) You’ve peed in a cornfield.
31) Most people went by a nickname.

Now if I could only find a list of characteristics of those who are refined enough for Parisian dining….

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