Before I moved into the house I now share with GTB, I lived alone in a studio apartment for almost five years, which means that tonight will be the first time I’ve seen trick-or-treaters come to my door in at least that long. (Of course, there was the Halloween I spent with friends at their house. For some reason, we thought it would be funny to smoke a little joint and answer the door to kids in costume. What we forgot was how paranoid pot makes you. We were completely weirded out by the brother and sister dressed as a bride and groom. And don’t even get me started on the two parents gathering candy for their three-month-old using a Pottery Barn sack. By about 7:30 p.m., we were arguing over whose turn it was to answer the door with shouts of “Not it!”)

So last night, GTB and I made a run to Fred Meyer’s to get candy for the potential onslaught of revellers. Since neither of us is currently living in the bliss of a healthy body image, we decided to get only as much candy as we could reasonably expect to give out. Then GTB said, “And let’s get the most disgusting stuff we can find.” I asked him why. “So we don’t want to eat it if there’s anything left over.” Man, I love that guy.

We ventured to the candy aisle and perused the badly picked over pickin’s. M&M’s. Snickers. Some kind of new mini Hershey’s Kisses in a hard candy shell. God help me.

Me: “How about Tootsie Pops?”

GTB: “Yeah. Those aren’t very good.”

We turned to see what was on the other side of the aisle.

Me: “Do you like Three Musketeers?”

GTB: “No, yuck! Grab those. Oh god, Milk Duds. I love Milk Duds.”

We walked a few steps more.

GTB: “Not Baby Ruths. I love Baby Ruths.” He reached for a bag of Almond Joys.

Me: “NOOOOOOO! I love Almond Joys!”

GTB: “I wonder if they have Reeses Pieces.”

Me: “Wait, I’m confused. I thought we were going for gross candy. Not our favorite candy.”

Back to where we started.

Me: “Do you like Skittles? I hate Skittles.”

GTB: “I hate them too, but that bag is $8.”

Me: “Oh, we don’t want that. We want the candy that is gross AND cheap. How about Carmel Apple lollipops? Ewwwwwww.”

GTB: “Yeah, those are two bags for $4. Grab two.”

Don’t you wish you were a kid coming to our house tonight?

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