It’s raining and cold today, which means when I got dressed this morning, I had to figure out an outfit that consisted of long pants and shoes that require socks. Remember those J Crew pants I ripped the lining of last week? They were the only pair even remotely clean and dressy enough for the day I was going to have. So I pissed and moaned and put them on. Then I put on my heeled boots. Voila, the pants fit right again!

Any girl with a booty will tell you that wearing heels lifts your butt at least two inches, which makes your pants fit differently. Why in the hell didn’t I remember that when I was wearing these pants with flat sandals last week? I’ve been to the gym about a million times since that fateful pant-ripping day. Not to mention the guilt I’ve been feeling about even a nonfat latte. It turns out, the difference is heeled boots.

I can’t be the only woman who is this deluded about my body, right? Sistahs, let me hear ya!

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